Keep Running...

I had the dream again. The one that wakes me up most nights.
I keep seeing you there, in front of me. You give me that same smile, the same one you gave me the very first time we saw each other, the first time our eyes met. The smile that carried my heart away . You're speaking to me, but I cant hear the words. Only the roaring of the wind fills my ears.
Then you turn and you start to run, You look over our shoulder as if to say 'follow me'. So I do. I began to run. I run as fast as I can, faster and faster trying to catch you. But you get further and further away with every footstep. I just cant keep up with you. You become a vanishing point in the distance, an impossible stretch that I want to bridge, that I would give anything and everything to cross. But you're gone.You've left me behind and now I’ve lost you.
In the dream, I collapse onto my knees fists pounding into the ground, cursing myself for not trying harder to stay with you. I can feel it building inside of me,  pain, loss, regret and shame. I tilt my head back as my soul gathers all my frustration and sorrow together and I let out a howl. But no sound issues. Only a completely and silent scream. Tears streaming down my eyes, the silence continues from deep within me , until at long lost, I can stop, exhausted.
And then I awake. Darkness. The sorrow takes hold of my heart and the tears that I had shed in the dream world find their way into the real world.
So in the daylight I run, I push myself to be faster, stronger in the hope that in the night , when I dream again, I can keep pace with you. I can follow you. By day I try, by night I fail. And I dread the night that you don’t appear, you don’t smile. Because then I know you will be far gone, that I could never hope of catching up with you ever again. I have just got to keep running.

I keep telling myself that I'm stronger, and all the effort I put in to running through the streets, along the river and through the countryside, all this effort will make its way into my dream.. it needs to if I want to have hope that I can someday catch you...

Sometimes I have good dreams, good dreams where I feel like I'm getting closer to catching you up. Then sometimes I have bad dreams, bad dreams where nothing happens and all my anger and all my frustration leap out of my body and unleash themselves into the real world. This is what I was afraid would happen... but I still keep telling myself that I have got to keep running....

I keep thinking about you. Who are you? Will I ever catch up with you? Why do I dream about you night after night? Every morning you're the first thing I think of , and I think of you before I fall asleep. But I think about you for the wrong reason, the very reason why I push and push myself to catch up with you. I want to know what happens if I ever do catch up with you. It seems like I'm in love with you as I cannot stop thinking about you, but you're just a part of my imagination, or are you?
I don't recognise you, so surely you are someone my mind had made up, someone who I want to be with. For months now, I have dreamt about you. For months, I train myself during the day, to hopefully catch you and finally find out why this has been happening. But I can't. In the dream world I stop running even though I know I can do so for miles, but it's you. You get further and further away without gaining speed. You still smile at me, the same smile all those months ago. You seem to like the chase, you like having someone so desperately want to catch up with you that it makes you feel powerful. But one day, I'll give up. Give up pushing myself, give up wanting to catch up with you because in every dream I do, I fail and it will get boring. But not now, I can't stop dreaming about that smile, and it's going to kill me not knowing why you're there.


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