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Sunday 20 January 2013

Twas The Night Of Valentines

Twas the night of Valentines, and all through the house. My phone wasn't ringing and I'm wanting to go out. It can be a movie, a play or a place to eat. I just don't wana stay in, watching numerous repeats. My friends all have dates and I say I don't care. But I'm hoping some lovin' will soon be here I'm lonely, bored and just don't know what to do I can't stay in all night, just me and my Playstation 2.

  I go on GooglePlay and download an app find a date for tonight as easy as that. My phones now ringing, wonder who it could be A lady who claims to be called Stephanie A chick from the internet with no pic on her page A sexy voice though, and seems within legal age Says she knows what a man really really wants she says she has a nice arse, and big at her fdont. I guess I shant be leaving now at all Time to prepare for a Valentines booty call.

A shower is taken, I Febreeze the home, Hide any evidence I don't live alone A car then pulls up and parks on my drive My dog so scared he runs off to hide. As it nears to my door, a purse in her hand I pray it's Beyonce, but kinda looks like a man

She steps in with her top showing more than I need to see She stank of cheesy Wotsists , I say oh why me With cards and chocolates and bottles of wine with messages saying oh please be mine We sat on the couch but I wana be rude by kicking her out to go chase some other dude I edge away from her and turn on the tv She whispers in my ear 'make love to me' She piles on top of me, I think I've met my maker If there's any Beyonce in this chick, this broad must have ate her I throw her off as she reaches for my belt Run around screaming won't somebody help.

With a crash my cousin slams open the door He shouts 'get out you silly little whore' , I've finally managed to control the beast we toss her outside and into the street As her car drives off and out of my sight I say to myself I should have had an early night Cupid is the devil and definately no hunk Well the night is still young , time to grt drunk.

Sunday 6 January 2013

'Twas the month after Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas,
when all through the house,
nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse!

The cookies I'd nibbled,
 the chocolate I'd taste,
at the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.

I remember the marvellous
meals all prepared,
 the gravies and sauces,
 and the beef "nicely rared".

The wine and the stuffing balls
the bread and the cheese,
and the way I NEVER said,
"No, thank you, please."

So - away with the last
 of the sour cream dip.
 Get rid of the fruit cake,
every nibble and chip!

Every last bit of food
that I like must be banished,
  until all of the additional
"ounces" have vanished!

I won't have a Galaxy,
 not even a lick!
I'll want only to chew,
on a celery stick!

I won't have Dominoes,
 or cheesecake or pie,
 I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.

I'm hungry...
I'm lonesome.
.. and life is a bore!
But isn't that what January is for?